I’ve always struggled with the term “childless.” If I’m being frank, I cringe when I hear that phrase. It’s not that I necessarily think people have an agenda to insult people like me — a 38-year-old married woman with no kids. But to be called less assumes I’m missing something, that I’m less important, less entitled, less than.
From an early age, I knew I didn’t want children. I’ve never had that motherly instinct. That pull. That ache some women get when they dream about children of their own.
When I see children, I feel nothing. Is that weird?
Yes, I can tell you think so. When I meet someone new, inevitably, one of the first questions they ask is, “Do you have kids?” And then there’s the familiar look of discomfort when I let them down. It’s like people don’t know what to say after that.
But it’s my “duty.“
I’ve been told it’s my duty as a woman to have children and that I’m not contributing to society by not having kids. Therefore, I must be selfish, hate children, or be some crazy narcissistic career-driven type. There are countless other stereotypes (mostly involving cats), such as women without kids can’t possibly be happy or live fulfilling lives. And then, some have trouble conceiving or are ultimately diagnosed with infertility. One in 5 women cannot have children. Did you know that?*
Childfree By Choice
When it comes to me, I’m child-free by choice. To my knowledge, I do not have fertility concerns, and I don’t hate children — I simply don’t want my own. And how can you have a child when you feel nothing toward them?
People used to tell me that I would begin to want children as I grew older. And frankly, I’ve often wished they were right. It would make things so much easier — I would fit into society’s version of what life should look like for someone like me, and I’d relate more to my friends and coworkers with children. Why is having children what you’re supposed to do?
And while I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have fleeting thoughts about having children (and I will never say never), for right now, it’s not in the cards. It pains me that I haven’t given my parents the grandchildren I know they would love. Their friends talk about their grandchildren, and I know they wish they had something to brag about, too, other than what I do for a living. But, alas, the clock keeps ticking for me, and I’m not convinced that’s a bad thing.
Where is everyone?
I’ve looked for other child-free women — there are a few groups on Facebook and Meetup — but they are few and far between. When I first dipped my toe into childfree affinity groups, I found that several were toxic. For groups that were supposed to be full of people living a child-free lifestyle, they sure did spend an awful amount of time complaining about those with children. I don’t hate people with children. Most of the people I know and love have children. I just wanted a space to converse with those who live lives like mine.
I read a startling statistic the other day — 86 percent of women ages 40 to 44 are mothers. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s the norm. It’s what society expects women to do. But that means only 14 percent of women my age are like me.
Those who’ve come before
Sometimes I need to remind myself of those who have come before me:
- Jane Austin
- Susan B. Anthony
- Georgia O’Keeffe
- Amelia Earhart
- Rosa Parks
- Diane Sawyer
- Oprah Winfrey
And while I can only hope to do something someday as important as all of these women pioneers, I have to wonder — would anyone even consider defining them by their child-rearing status? Or, worse, calling them less?
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*My random PSA: I’ve encountered too many child-free not-by-choice women. Please don’t assume you have a right to ask anyone, unprompted, about their pregnancy plans.