10 Things Never to Say to Someone Childfree

With the holidays upon us, the most-dreaded, inappropriate question will inevitably spill out of one of your relative’s lips: “So, when are you finally going to have children?” It’s an unintelligent, unoriginal question. People don’t know what to say to someone childfree in their 30s. As if that’s the only venture of value that could be going on in your life.

There are so many things people say to those without kids — “kids are God’s greatest gift,” or “it’s selfish not to have children,” or “it’s different when they’re your own.” So I’ve compiled my top 10 things never to say to someone who is childfree — whether during the holidays, a work happy hour, or a random Saturday.

1. You’ll change your mind

I’ve known since I was a little girl that I never wanted children. But I’ve heard this sentiment from relatives and strangers throughout my entire life. Originally it was said, “You’re still young,” and that I would change my mind when I got older. Then it became, “You’ll change your mind when you meet the right person.” I’m married ten years this year and still childfree! And what’s worse — so many doctors say this, too. My heart goes out to the women who try to go for tubal ligation and are told by a doctor no because they’re too young or they’ll change their minds when they’re married. As if they can’t make that decision on their own.

2. You’re not a real woman

I’ve unfortunately encountered this from friends. I don’t think it ever came from a hostile place — simply reflective of how they grew up. These people grow up believing their entire reason for being is to procreate. It was their womanly duty to nurture children. I find this response more from religious people (and this isn’t knocking religion) — it’s just my experience. People see it as “God’s plan.” As if I don’t have a purpose? Do I need to pass on my genes to have a purpose?

3. You don’t know real exhaustion

Being tired is not a competition. Do we somehow need to learn what being tired is? Yes, people with young kids are likely up in the middle of the night, constantly on call to their tiny humans. But assuming that people without kids don’t have responsibility is just self-absorbed. Many of us lead companies, work multiple jobs, care for loved ones, have chronic illnesses, etc. Do we not have reasons to be exhausted because we don’t have kids?

4. You must have a ton of free time — and money.

I do have free time — and some money (not a lot). But that doesn’t mean I am swimming in a money pit like Scrooge McDuck, spitting out coins. I have expenses, too. Also, I’ve heard stories of others having to work late or holiday shifts because they don’t have children. Suppose someone is willing to, fine. But because someone doesn’t have children, it doesn’t mean they don’t have family or obligations. Don’t assume childfree people have less responsibility.

5. You still have time

I know what time it is, Karen. I know how old I am, where I am, and what I’m doing. It’s not as if I’ve been waiting to have this random conversation with a distant relative or stranger for it to click. “Aha! Now it’s time to have children!” I guess what you’re saying is that I will need kids to fulfill me. That my life will be empty and full of regret. Thanks for the time check.

6. All you need is one

So you’re saying my family isn’t complete without children. But this one goes hand-in-hand with those who say being childfree is selfish. It’s also inconsiderate to procreate so that you can feel fulfilled and raise someone with who you can live through.

7. You will never know true love

This one kills me. And it’s hurtful. I’d like to think I do know true love with my spouse. I also know true love with my cherished family, friends, and pets.

8. What about Your husband?

Did we not talk about this when we met? We both knew we didn’t want children before we got married. And indeed, things can always change. But why do you assume my spouse has a different opinion than I? And why you have a right to know about such a private matter is beyond me.

9. Who will look after you when you die?

Is that the reason you had kids? Are you taking care of your parents? Being alone when older certainly isn’t ideal, but that’s not reason enough to bring children into this world. I wouldn’t want to burden them if/when I can no longer care for myself. My goal is to plan well enough financially to live in a beautiful retirement community.

10. You’re childless

I’ve written an entire blog dedicated to this topic so I won’t rehash it all here. But please, please, consider someone’s worth before ever calling them childless. Women have infinitely more value than just being someone who was put on this Earth to procreate. Having children is such a wonderful thing — if it’s for you. But not everyone can have them — or wants them. Calling them less is just offensive. So please don’t do it.

Did I miss any you would add to the list? Let me know in the comments below!